Taking Control of a Challenging Situation
Square Circle Coach Divya Ramachandran addresses questions received from the Indian Women in Computing community, all related to taking back control of your narrative and deciding when it’s too much.
From Komal, Pune: I would like help dealing with my toxic manager. I have tried to understand her expectations and work on it. But she is always very rude. I never get any support on the team. I am losing confidence. I have tried to ignore her rude comments but this is not helping. I am looking to change my team now, but I want to know how I can deal with this situation.
Dear Komal,
I’m so sorry to hear about the situation you have been experiencing with your manager. It is understandable that without the support and encouragement you would hope to get from your manager, that you are losing confidence and seeking out a team change. I applaud you for trying multiple tactics to do your part in addressing the issue, including writing to us.
A framework that may help reduce the stress you are experiencing is one based on control. Specifically, the more you are able to focus on aspects of this situation that are in your control, the more at peace you will feel. And this in turn can unblock you to take necessary action. While I don’t have all the details on your specific situation, here is what I gather about your challenge from your note:
What is NOT in Your Control
- Your manager’s perception of you & your work
- The rude comments your manager makes
- Your manager’s expectations of you
- The support you receive from your manager
What IS in your Control
- Your perception of yourself & your work
- Your response to your manager’s comments
- Your expectations of your manager
- Actively seeking out support from others
Below, I elaborate on each of these points and offer a few suggestions or questions to help you find clarity on what steps to take.
Confidence
It’s clear that your efforts to meet your manager’s expectations are not being acknowledged. It is natural to internalize this as feedback that your work is not good enough, leading to self-doubt and low self-confidence.
But if you were to take your manager out of the equation for a moment, what would be your metrics for success?
One exercise you can do is to think about a task or project you recently worked on and narrate or write an objective story about it based only on facts, not on your manager’s reactions:
- What were the goals of the project?
- What were the outcomes of the work?
- Did the outcomes meet the goals?
- If yes, what was it about you that created that success?
There is always more than one way to look at a situation. By separating your actual performance from the narrative your manager is feeding you, you will find confidence to continue to do great work.
Verbal Feedback
It must be very hard to deal with the rude comments you hear from your manager. I don’t know the specifics of what you are dealing with, but can offer you this: while you certainly cannot control the words that come out of her mouth, you do have a choice in how you interpret and respond to her comments.
The next time she makes such a comment, stop and ask yourself the following, in order:
- What am I taking her words to mean about me?
- What else might she be saying?
Choose the latter as your interpretation, and choose your response based on that. You simply don’t know her exact intention, so choose one that benefits and encourages you rather than one that hurts.
Expectations
It sounds like you have done your part to try to understand and work towards your manager’s expectations of you. I’m curious whether you have explicitly defined your expectations of her?
I encourage you to take some time to write down the specific gaps between what you expect of your manager and what you are experiencing. This exercise might give you more clarity on whether or not those highest priority gaps actually can be communicated to her and improved, or whether you need to find an alternate path.
Support
It sounds probable that your manager is not entirely open to communication. Sometimes manager relationships are simply not workable. But now that you know exactly what kind of support you expect of your manager, you have the power to separate your needs from your manager herself, and seek that support elsewhere, from colleagues or teams whose communication style, values and processes you admire and respect.
If reaching out to them for support directly might seem a bit intimidating, you might ask for a 30 min informational meeting to learn about their work or background, or ask for some feedback on a specific task/project you are working on. And telling them directly what you admire about them can be an effective and authentic way to pique their interest in you!
In Summary
I’m certain that by focusing your lens on what is within your realm of control — your thoughts, your perceptions and your needs — you will feel the clarity and confidence you need to move on from this very challenging situation, and into one where you will thrive.
Now you are in the position to choose. And should you choose to work with another manager/team and leave (assuming the situation is beyond repair) you know exactly what value you bring to the table and can approach this from a place of power, confidence and choice.
I wish you the very best as you take control and create the professional experience that you deserve.
If you are part of the Indian Women In Computing community, you can submit your question here. This “Take Control Of Your Career” program that gives you access to professional coaches for free will end on Aug 17th!
