Tough Decisions: Resolving Inner Conflict
Square Circle Coach Divya Ramachandran addresses questions received from the Indian Women in Computing community, all related to making tough decisions and resolving inner conflict.
This article responds to the brave, thoughtful questions of two women who write in about their inner conflict in two very different contexts. What stands out as a similarity is that both women describe their struggle to make a decision because of a conflict deeply rooted in their personal values. Each choice challenges one value while honoring another.
When faced with a tough decision, our first instinct is often to try and learn from the experience of others around us, but value challenges are deeply personal.
There is no objectively right or wrong answer, but there is usually a choice that aligns more firmly with who we are. Identifying that choice requires conscious reflection, and making that choice requires courage.
In this article, I respond to each of the two women by reflecting back the values conflict that I hear between the lines, and offering a few thoughts and questions to consider as they find the most authentic path forward.
From Anonymous SW Engineer: I’m concerned about sexual propaganda used against women at work by men and the women that support it. I dealt with it at my last workplace but still feel unsafe around Indian men and some women who can any time use it against me, whenever I want to get a promotion or anything, or even can rape or murder me. I want to tell the world what actually happened from my eyes, and make women aware of such issues at work. Do you think writing a blog post about the whole experience would be helpful? I am afraid other companies will not hire me. I will not use anyone’s name. Should I also stay anonymous in the process? Also, one more thing to deal with the situation — so many women helped me and supported me — — all non-Indian. And Indian women just wanted me to shut up or even told me that the same thing happened to them but they just changed their company without taking any action, which I feel is a huge problem in India and may be the cause of so many rapes. This is my past experience from the Bay Area, now I changed jobs so it is good and my current situation might not align with my mental state 6 months ago!
Dear Anonymous SW Engineer,
I want to start by admiring your courage for writing in to address such a heavy and difficult topic. I am deeply sorry for all the experiences you have had to carry with you early in your career, and for the impact it has had on you and your ability to trust your professional community. Unfortunately, the reality of the situation is that your story is not unique, and yet few women are able to find the strength and voice to bring it up. Thank you for taking that step.
What I hear in your question is an underlying conflict about whether or not to share your story with the world. On the one hand, you are driven by your values of justice and service toward your community to tell the world your story. On the other hand, you also value security and want to know that you can continue to be safe and grow professionally even if you do speak out. The challenge you are facing is that you believe taking a step that aligns with one value will inherently conflict with another.
It sounds like many colleagues have urged you to value security over justice and service. Here’s the thing — no matter how much advice we get from others, when we are faced with a personal values challenge, we are not satisfied with any answer until it is our own. Our unresolved personal conflict often turns into conflict with others as you’ve described here — frustration with Indian women in general for turning a blind eye toward the issue. However, their experience is not yours, nor is yours theirs. Ultimately, asking for advice from others distracts us from being able to find the answer inside ourselves.
While in the same vein, I do not wish to add more noise to your decision-making process, here are some questions that might help you work through and find the answer for yourself:
What is the worst possible outcome of each choice?
What evidence do you have to support the likelihood of that outcome?
What resources or allies can you find to support you in the case of that outcome?
What is the best possible outcome of each choice?
What is the change you wish to see by speaking out?
What are ways, if any, to experience that change while still honoring your value of security?
It is a relief and comfort to know that you are now at a workplace that respects and values you (and women in general). I hope that with the support of that community, and trust in your intuition, you find a path forward that honors who you are and the change you wish to see. Best wishes to you and much gratitude for bringing this important conversation to the fore.
From Product Manager, Dallas: I am confused about leaning in or out. At one point I want to quit my job and spend more time with my kids. At other times I want to go back to my job since I am so tired and bored and exhausted of babysitting. A job brings money and recognition and takes my mind away into seemingly important stuff but also brings guilt and the feeling of a rat race, not making a big enough impact in the world. I want to take up bigger roles, more intellectually and career stimulating roles at companies that are working on exciting problems and technologies but I’m worried that I will have no bandwidth to spend more than 9–5. I try to find fulfillment through volunteering, but that additionally taxes my workload (though is rewarding but not sustainable).
Dear Product Manager from Dallas,
You ask a very important question here, and are in no way alone in your struggle. Being a working mom especially in the corporate world is inherently challenging — both kids and career demand a significant amount of time. The main question I hear you ask here is whether or not to pursue growth and stimulation in your career at this stage in your life. From a values perspective, this is what I gather: you value the financial freedom, recognition and intellectual challenge that will come with a lean-in approach. But you also value the quality time you can spend connecting with your children if you lean-out. And you believe that prioritizing one value will diminish the other.
Both motherhood and career can be as much a drag as they can be rewarding. The key here is to really understand what aspects of each lead to feelings of a rat race or boredom, and what aspects actually feed your values of stimulation and connection. You mention that you have already gone through an exercise of identifying what fuels and drains you, but nothing feels like it can be dropped. That is completely understandable both given that you have a baby, and the Covid-19 life we’re living, but also in general simply because you are a working mom with young children. It is natural to believe that you simply don’t have enough hours in the day to fulfil your roles of mother and employee in a way that enables your values of financial freedom, intellectual stimulation, and quality family time.
Our thoughts about a situation, and the way we interpret the world around us, lead us to the emotions we experience, which in turn power the actions we take and the results we achieve. So when we want to see new results (in your case, a more fulfilling career and quality time with your children), we must first turn inward to examine and intentionally direct our thoughts first.
Let’s examine the thoughts driving your decision process:
- Lean-out: you do not have the bandwidth to spend more than 9–5 at a new job, therefore you are hesitating to make a change
- Lean-in: you cannot achieve results of intellectual stimulation and impact in your current job therefore you are considering a new job/volunteering
Consider the first point. Imagine for a moment that instead of believing you are racing against some finite quantity of “time” that you instead have an infinite pool that gets replenished when you use it with intention. With this mindset, you can focus on prioritizing the aspects of your career and motherhood that fuel you and your values first, and from there find that you still have the energy you need to get everything else done.
On the latter point, what is it about your volunteer work that you find rewarding? What might you change about the way you think about your current roles (as mom or employee) that might enable you to achieve those same results in your day-to-day?
Finally, it also sounds like your children are at an age where they are still quite dependent on you. It may not feel like it now, but that is temporary. As they grow to be more independent, your experience of motherhood will change. Remember that this decision that you are looking to make — whether to lean in or out — is specific to this stage in life. What you value now does not have to dictate your future. Trust your intuition by focusing on who you are now. Best wishes to you as you navigate this challenging — yet beautiful — stage of life.
From Pooja, Bangalore: I want to transition into the product management role. Need inputs on how to get to the interview stage given that I have no work experience in this role.
Dear Pooja from Bangalore,
Congratulations on finding the clarity to know that you want a new role in product management. Identifying your goal is one of the hardest steps in a transition, and it sounds like you’ve done this through extensive research to understand what the role entails by reading/listening to resources as well as networking. From here, there are several next steps you can take, but what stands out to me is the latter half of your question: “given that I have no work experience in this role.” I encourage you to find an alternative narrative that will propel you forward, rather than one that focuses on your limitations and holds you back. More details on what this means can be found in Square Circle’s previous post, in which I addressed three questions all framed in a similar way: I know I want to make a change, but I know I am not qualified for the change. Best of luck to you in your transition!
